Dear John,

I never thought I’d be writing this letter.  I guess that even with all my ideas about making the best of life, I just took for granted that since we were young, we’d have another 50 years to make memories but the ache in my heart reminds me of how foolish I was to think that.

I remember the first time I saw you.  You were so shy, sitting on the floor of my living room while my brother and Kenny played video games.  I didn’t know it then but from that point forward, for the rest of my life, you’d always be a part of my world, sometimes at a distance & sometimes up close.  Either way, that summer was the beginning…the summer before my freshman year in high school & your 8th grade year.

You rode your bike all the way to my house later that summer just to give me a rose & a teddy bear.  I still have that bear at my mom’s house in Walsenburg.  Something tells me I”ll be digging through the storage area this weekend to find it just to have something tangible to hold onto. We were so young when we started dating that Gramma Annette had to drive us everywhere…Tes’, bowling alley, cruising up Main Street.  It’s funny to think about now–sneaking kisses in the backseat while she drove & holding hands.

The last few days my mind has been flooded with memories.  Some of them good, some of them embarrassing but none of them bad.  That’s the beauty of growing up…we were able to look back and laugh at our youthful foolishness.  The time I wrecked my car and begged you to tell my dad.  I always appreciated and admired the courage it took for a 16 year old boy to knock on my dad’s door & tell him what happened.  You were my hero.

Last year it was providence for us to get reconnected.  I don’t know how or what happened but I remember you coming by my brother’s house to say hi and you were in your police uniform.  You had become a man–all 6’4″ of you with at least 60 lbs more than you were in high school.  Hugging you was familiar and strange at the same time.  That was Halloween weekend & I came over to watch movies with you, Nick, Jacob & his friends and we laughed all night about how it was like high school.

Our lives were both changing; divorces for both of us, learning how to deal with our new lives & hoping that life would get better.   Maybe it was the long history we’ve had but for whatever reason, we were both able to be exactly who we were in the moment without fear of rejection or judgment.  Through our difficult times, we took turns being the shoulder to cry on, the ear to vent to, the hand to hold, the friend to laugh with and the anchor to remind each other that no matter what, we always had each other.  Once we were talking and you commented that you were shocked at how well I knew you and how well you knew me.

When you came over for Easter last year, it was such a good time.  The Easter egg hunt where you and Eden teamed up was a blast.  Your height gave her the vantage point of all the good eggs she would have missed otherwise.  Spending time in my kitchen talking & reminiscing.  We drove to my office and you told me how proud you were of me.  We easily fell back into step just as if we’d never missed a moment.

The late night phone calls that we shared, talking about everything under the sun…How much you missed your kids was often the theme.  You would be so thrilled when you got to spend time with them and it made me happy for you.   You were so ready for a bright new future & the new things to come.

As heartbroken as I am that you’re gone, I am so grateful that we got to spend this last year rebuilding our friendship.  We were both able to share how much we meant to each other & how much we appreciated one another.  There was no unfinished business, nothing left unsaid.  All that was left was love; the kind of love that comes after nearly 20 years of life shared.

I can’t believe that I’ll never hear that laugh again.  Or look into the green eyes that I’ve come to know so well.  Or see you walking and even at a distance, in the dark, recognize the swaggar that was only yours.  I never thought that I’d never see you again and I don’t really know how to accept that.  I do know that even knowing how much I’m hurting right now, I’d do it all over again.  Knowing you made me a better woman, in many ways.  We spent our youth together, learning a lot about life, love, pain, joy, growth, change & now, letting go.  Even as adults, we had a special connection–I think that’s what happens with first love.  I have always heard that there is just no getting over your first love and I know for sure that’s true.  I’ll never forget you, John & you will live on in my heart and memories.  I’ll see you in Heaven and I very much look forward to that reunion.

Until then, you enjoy your new home & check in on us every now and then.  I love you and miss you.

See the scar…?

I remember once when I was running in a race in my hometown in Southern Colorado and somehow I fell.  I don’t remember what I tripped over (I was fairly clumsy so I might have fallen over a shadow) but all that aside, I fell.  I remember hitting my right knee and starting to bleed.  I sat for a while cradling my leg and contemplating quitting but something inside of me, maybe my mom’s voice saying “if you quit once it will make it easier to quit in the future” caused me to get up.  I remember feeling some pain and watching the blood run down my right leg and into my nicely rolled white socks (hey, it was the 80′s) and somehow half running, half limping to the end of the course.  When I rounded the corner, my mom saw me and came to see if I was ok and finished the race with me, then carried me to the medical tent where I got some nice butterfly stitches.

If you look closely at my right knee, you can still see the scar.  It’s not big anymore but it’s there.  For the rest of my days, I will carry this reminder of this race and the lessons learned through it.

I remember wrestling with the concept of forgiveness about 10 years ago & this story came to mind.  You see, this is so similar to what it means to forgive because when someone does something that hurts you, you might feel a lot like I did that day…in pain, wanting to quit & curl up and cry.  You will probably not quit but will get up and continue on your course, even though you’re bleeding, limping & having to tap into the very depths of your strength to carry on.  Hopefully, you will have someone to come beside you and walk with you  and even to carry you when the pain gets to be too much, like my mom did for me.

The thing is…when we’re in the moment, we can’t always see the beauty of the lesson but when you look back, you can.  I had a client ask me “how do you know you’ve forgiven” and as I reflected on my own pain journey & the fact that although I can still remember the fall, the blood & can still see the scar, I can’t remember the PAIN.

My answer to “How do you know when you’ve forgiven?”?  When you can look at the scar, recall the story but there is no more pain, only the lesson learned.

Freeze Frame

I cleaned my daughter’s closet tonight.  She’ll be 2 in December but has already outgrown her 2T and is on to bigger & better clothes.  My son is not yet 4 and wears 5/6.

Maybe only a parent will understand this but I think anyone who has ever realized just how FAST time goes will know what I mean when I say that I was a little embarrassed as I packed her clothes with tears in my eyes & realized that some of my favorite clothes would never be worn by her again.  They were packed, labeled & put into a closet and with them went her 2nd year of life.

The shirt she wore that said “I’m the birthday girl” was packed & along with it, her first birthday.

The outfit she wore to the zoo for the first time.  Packed.

And with each item that went into the bag, a little piece of my heart went with it.  Because the second year of her life is almost gone & I wanted so much to just freeze time & make her and her brother stay small, in my arms, under my watchful eye, with my protection and covering.

I do wish it sometimes; that I could freeze time.  But I can’t and truthfully, I probably wouldn’t even if I could.

To stop their growth would be so selfish of me because I would be robbing them of all the amazing things the future holds.  The first day of school, the first date, the first kiss, the first love & the depth of the first heartbreak.  They would be safe in my arms but they would miss the beauty of their wedding day & the exquisiteness of the births of their children.

No.  As much as it pains me to see them hurt, I know that with the hurt comes growth so I will step back & allow time to take its course and while I have them, I will do my best to prepare them for the world they will someday face. I’ll teach them how to love, how to live & how to laugh.  I’ll teach them how to work hard & how to rest deeply.

In the meantime, I’ll let them crawl in my bed in the middle of the night.  I’ll let sticky hands hug me, no matter what I’m wearing.  I’ll spend as much time with them in the current stage that I can & I’ll mark the time with memories (and lots of pictures) knowing that the day will come when my arms will ache to hold my babies again but my heart will soar over the amazing people they are becoming.

What’s holding you back?

So I’ve been thinking a lot and have been pondering the things that we all have that hold us back from accomplishing all that we’re meant to do.  Sometimes, it’s excuses (or well-planned lies) and other times, it’s ingrained ways of thinking that we don’t even recognize.   In matters of money, I’ve heard it once said that “broke is a temporary state but poor is a mentality”.  That is SO true and the way we think about things can either keep us in bondage or liberate us forever.

Think on this today–evaluate your thoughts and begin to examine areas that need to be changed.  Think about your relationship with money (’cause we all have one!) and see where it needs to change.  For some people, money is just a tool but for others, it’s a status symbol and creates their identity.  Think about your relationships with people-are people here to serve you or are you here for them?   Think about your relationship with yourself.  What kinds of things do you say to yourself about yourself?

Those thoughts create behaviors which then create patterns…and we wonder why we stay in the same place for years.  As my mentor recently said, “in order for things to change, you have to change”.  What are you waiting for?

What are you intending today?

Did you know… that as an act of self-actualization (and long before anyone had learned of The Secret), Jim Carrey wrote out a check to himself for $20 million and wrote on the subject line “for acting services rendered” and stuck it in his wallet as a sort of good-luck charm. He kept it there until 1996 when he received a “real” paycheck for $20 million for The Cable Guy.

What is Veritas?

Veritas is the Greek word for truth. I have a particular affinity for Greek words as they carry so much meaning that gets lost in translation.

Veritas was a Greek goddess who was the Daughter of Saturn (the god of justice and strength) and the mother of Virtue. As the story goes, Veritas hid at the bottom of a holy well because she was so elusive.

That is much like today…Perhaps that is why this story resonates with me. Truth is linked with strength and justice; after all, who can be just without first being honest? Truth also bears virtue.

Growing to your full potential begins with being honest about who you are and where you are. That is the foundation of Veritas Counseling…to open the doors that have been shut for so long and to expose the truth. After all, it is only our secrets that keep us where we are. Once exposed and evaluated, the secrets lose their power over us.

Paula White once said “you can’t conquer what you won’t confront” and I tend to agree. Who is ready to take the journey down the holy well of your soul to meet Veritas?

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